Hello and welcome! This little column presents news and politics at its most absurd. SAtired supports freedom of speech, small government and free markets. This means we’re centrists. This is NOT a safe space!
The Weekly Squib*
- squib /skwɪb/ noun: squib 1. a small firework that issues a hissing sound before exploding into a short piece of satirical writing.
And SA’s nominees for the Darwin Award 2021 are….
For those of you who don’t know about the Darwin Awards, they describe themselves on their website as follows:
“The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it in a spectacular manner!”
Sadly our nominees come from last week’s unrest, “insurrection” and looting.
Our three nominees were looting a bottle store in Greytown, Natal. In trying to steal crates of quart bottles of beer, the crates fell on top of the three and killed all of them.
These were three tragic looters for whom crime didn’t pay. ☹️☹️☹️
He said, she said, she said, he said, he said….
Our Dear Leader appears to be on even shakier ground than usual. On Friday 16 July, about the killing and looting fields of KwaZulu-Natal, President Ramaphosa said:
‘It is clear now that the events of the past week were nothing less than a deliberate, coordinated and well-planned attack on our democracy.
‘The constitutional order of our country is under threat…
‘Using the pretext of a political grievance, those behind these acts have sought to provoke a popular insurrection.
‘The ensuing chaos is used as a smokescreen to carry out economic sabotage through targeted attacks on trucks, factories, warehouses and other infrastructure necessary for the functioning of our economy and the provision of services to our people…
‘Yet, despite the widespread destruction, this attempted insurrection has failed to gain popular support.’
Then, on Sunday 18 July, the Minister of Defence and Military Veterans, Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula, told parliament that she did not believe it was an insurrection and that the unrest showed signs of a counter-revolution in the form of thuggery and criminality.
On Tuesday 20 July Mapisa-Nqakula did a “U-turn” saying that ‘it was indeed an attempted insurrection’.
‘An insurrection must have a face if it was against government.’
Speaking to the media in Durban, Mapisa-Nqakula said she was not trying to go against the president.
‘THE PRESIDENT HAS SPOKEN (my caps). It was an attempted insurrection. I confined myself to [the term] counter-revolutionary but ultimately, remember, any element of counter-revolution ultimately may as well lead to insurrection in a country.’
She had used the term “counter-revolution” because it was defined as ‘undermining all authorities of the state and country. If you do that, you may as well tomorrow mobilise everybody and say, look, this is the direction we are taking. I think when I made that point, that was the point I was making.
‘There was never a deliberate or mischievous making on my side to deliberately contradict the commander-in-chief, particularly because I am a member of the National Security Council. I also provide reports on behalf of my team to the National Security Council.’
Other than the fact that the last paragraph but one made no sense, it suggests that Cyril came over all tinpot dictatorish and told her, in no uncertain terms, that if he said it was an insurrection, it was an insurrection!
State Security Minister Ayanda Dlodlo agreed with Mapisa-Nqakula, Nqakula, but Dlodlo’s deputy, Zizi “R1m loan” Kodwa and the head of the domestic intelligence branch, Mahlodi Muofhe — who are allies of the president — agreed with Ramaphosa. Kodwa said it was an attempted coup;
Dlodlo said there was no evidence pointing in this direction, adding that such talk was reckless.
Notwithstanding this “surname salad” the issue is now as clear as mud. ♀️ ♂️
Vat jou goed en trek, Ferreira!
What can one say about the SA Olympic team’s uniform? “Moffie safari suit meets Survivor”. Sadly, there are no combs in the socks. Maar die velskoene? Wragtig!
