Good morning, and thank you for joining us. We hope those who are here in person had a pleasant trip over to the State of Disaster Offices (SOD-OFF). For those joining via Zoom, well, we hope you have power to do so. If not, this is Mzansi and we don’t sweat the small stuff.
First off, we have been much encouraged by the resilient manner in which South Africa’s people accepted the latest extension of the State of Disaster. There has been a characteristic determination on the part of our people to face the challenges confronting our country. We have in fact received numerous messages of support for this progressive decision – and not just from the cabinet, the minister of electricity, and the Cogta minister, as is usually the case. No, our social media accounts demonstrate this. One message received from social media user Gatvolofthiscriminalbullshit1998 said: ‘We would expect nothing less.’
Clearly there is extensive public sympathy for the positions we have needed to take.
We do, however, have to express our disappointment with sections of the news media. It is not only unpatriotic, but downright unprofessional to claim, as a recent headline did – as reported by our London embassy, because it’s tough in South Africa to stay online long enough to read a headline these days – that ‘Crime is rampant as night falls’. As any fair-minded South African would know, it’s impossible to know this because it’s too dark to see anything after sunset. Beware of fake news.
During its recent breakaway at the Côte d’Azur, the cabinet resolved to accept the Minister of Trade, Industry and Competition’s Electricity Generation Master Plan. In accordance with this, tariffs on the import of diesel generators, inverters, solar panels and so on will be increased fourfold. The minister believes that this is a prime opportunity to advance the localisation agenda. It is unconscionable that foreign bloodsucker monopoly capitalists should profit from our crisis, which we caused for our own purposes.
Concurrently the electricity crisis committee, liaising with the minister of electricity, the minister of trade, industry and cooperation, the Cogta minister and selected business interests are working towards completion of the feasibility study to mass-manufacture substitute goods for those impacted by the tariffs domestically. It is envisaged at this point that construction on the power plant to provide power to the industrial park performing the manufacturing will be established within the next 24 to 36 months.
To ensure a proper rollout of private generation capacity, all relevant devices must henceforth be licenced. To ensure maximum efficiency and to avoid duplication, we are using the national firearms licencing system to process these applications. Applications for existing and newly purchased generators, inverters and solar panels need to be submitted to the nearest firearms office. When the current firearms licencing backlog is cleared, work will begin on generation licencing. Please note that it will be strictly illegal to operate a generator or other device without being in possession of a competency certificate and licences for each device.
Cabinet also took the opportunity to appeal to business to work with us, and decried the ongoing investment strike. With at least four hours of power a day, the economy should be flying.
The Cogta minister has extended the ban on the sale and consumption of tobacco products. Because she can. She added that we need the matches and lighter fluid. But she also said it didn’t really matter because there was so much of this stuff circulating illegally anyway.
The same goes for cooked chicken and hot pies. Obviously.
New regulations to take effect next week will ban the use of pool pumps. They use way too much electricity and represent the sort of individualistic, bourgeois consumerism that we are working hard to counter. A frugal life is a satisfying life.
The above regulation does not apply to fire pools. Water features at all ministerial residences are henceforth legally declared to be fire pools. Applications to register a firepool must be made with the appropriate agency. We’ll let you know where this is when we figure out what that is.
We also need to emphasise that there is no truth in the recent rumour that Kenny Kunene will be appointed CEO of Eskom. As you should all know, he is fully committed to his role as head of Eskom Procurement and to the implementation of the Project Pyramid turnaround strategy.
The search for a CEO is ongoing. Interviews will start once an application has been received.
Eskom’s catering contract has finally been awarded. The canteen facilities will henceforth be run by To Die For Beverages, a subsidiary of Roachkill Pharmaceuticals. They can assure 24-hour service, as each of their outlets is backed up by a Jenna DeRuyter generator.
We wish to acknowledge the frustration that exists over the delay of the release of the 2024 election results. Yes, it has been a while. We appeal to you all to stop seeing conspiracy theories in this. It’s just too damn dark to count all those votes. We’re working on it.
Issued by SOD-OFF, 19 May 2028.
Parody. Not to be taken seriously. No one would call a generator Jenna deRuyter. There is also no state office called SOD-OFF, just a prevailing attitude.
[Image: Jill Wellington from Pixabay]
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