In a recent interview with Biznews, Helen Zille suggested two qualities that would be needed when dealing with the US and Donald Trump: “keeping a cool head” and “boxing clever”.
Now, what would those characteristics look like if we had to put them in a person or delegation? I shall approach this scenario as I would when choosing a brand ambassador whilst producing an important television commercial or before a big event. For this gig, I would turn the tables around from the way one would traditionally do them. I would not tell the person, regardless of their competence, to just “be themselves”. For this job, they are not to consider themselves a suitable canvas on which the benefits of the brand (in this case, brand South Africa) are to be displayed; they should consider themselves a mirror in which Trump should see himself in a specific way.
I would first engage the smart-boxing, cool-headed emissary in a deep dive into Trump’s personality. We shall sit down and meet with spin doctors, psychologists and historians spending a good amount of time deconstructing the White House meeting with Zelensky. That event rewrote the history books on diplomacy, or as Trump called it this week, “ass-licking.” Thus, the SA ambassador needs to be a new kind of diplomat. We are going to pick words, actions, and colours that play to the King Trump brand, while slowly edging forward for our own gain. Think of yourself as an ass-licker of Trump’s court, but situated in another country; a remote-control ass-licker. Your list of deliverables for your own country might include a few items, but your first step is to survive.
Next, I shall provide you with mood boards, feelers, and references for the task of keeping your cool head. High up on the list of examples to follow would be Henry Kissinger, but even higher up would be Edmund Blackadder while in service of Queen Elizabeth I. It might be just a satirical TV show but it’s also a good handbook for how you should behave in the company of an erratic, narcissistic megalomaniac with a giant axe in their right hand. You become very sensitive to reading signals and gauging the mood of the court. Take some tips from Sir Walter bloody Raleigh on how to bear gifts and learn to bend the knee in a way in which you save face simultaneously.
In your case, bringing potatoes and tobacco from across the ocean might not be enough. You will have to conjure up something more substantial. Trump has said what he wants – he needs to see a concession in the field of expropriation without compensation, or any other symbol of the cessation of race-based policies. Sit with your constitutional team and look at where you can nudge some of the rules towards a pro-white, I mean pro-minority, position, which is not race-based when you do it like this.
While you are at it, try to understand why countries with free-market economies and secure property rights appear to do better than those who don’t. But for now, it is about optics, and giving Trump the nod that he pointed you in the right direction. Take a lesson from DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) in that you get a catchy name with an aim you know Trump agrees with. The fact that DOGE is not really saving that much money, some of their figures are wrong, and the cuts do not take the principle of administrative continuity into account are not as important here as the effect when Edmund Blackadder returns from a faraway land and presents the Queen with exotic gifts from the natives. In one scene, Captain Rum admonishes Blackadder and says: “You are merely lapdogs to a slip of a girl.” Blackadder contemplates the insult and concludes that it is better to be a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a git with his head cut off.
Blackadder seems to support Zille’s advice on this point: If you want to keep a cool head, first make sure it is still attached to your body, otherwise, the next step won’t be possible.
The second part of Zille’s advice – to box smart – is a good guide on what you want Trump to ‘feel’ when he is done with you. He is a WWE enthusiast, has participated in it and attends UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) as a ringside guest. This framing of himself as a warrior and conqueror is an important aspect to understand. You have to play to it. His recent exposure to Musk has added a component to the way he wants to be perceived; it is not enough that he is the winner or the dealmaker – he also has to be the hero. Crucial to this self-concept is that the hero does good, leaves a legacy and acts in the best interests of mankind. Not only should you be vanquished, you must realise that his conquest of you was in your own interest. If we were Russia, I might say playing the ‘equal adversary’ part was an option, but we are not. We are the plucky underdog that eventually admits defeat to a worthier opponent.
Go and look at how the storylines went in WWE with Triple H and The Undertaker, if you need some narrative structure. Should you choose to throw the fight, which is a good option here, make it seem like a heroic battle. He takes round one, you win round two and eventually are defeated in round three. Trump loves the great clash. He is the victim and conqueror at the same time. Oh, how he showed all his enemies in the end. They tried to put him down, kill him, and thwarted him at every turn, and look at him now. That is your script. It is already written for you. You have to be a worthy opponent, not an obsequious butt-kisser. It’s a tongue-tip test.
Despite the formal role of ambassador, consider a diplomatic delegation, or more than one, more strategically choreographed than the frantic attempts of our AfriForums and DAs, whose brand expression as whining victims comes across as pitiful and embarrassing. We can do better. Let’s hire those guys who make those sweeping inspirational videos for the cellphone companies and financial institutions. Those grand brand ads. Think Thabo Mbeki in “’I Am an African.” However, we position it as a behind-the-scenes update and progress video for Trump’s eyes only. It looks like a type of documentary, featuring interviews and internal SA struggles that conclude: Trump was right. We have a problem in South Africa, but now that he has pointed us in the right direction, we can fix it. What a great opportunity he gave us to finally fix our own problems ourselves.
The video’s storyline follows the efforts of a pressure group or think-tank that goes to the ANC and prominent black leaders and discusses what we can learn from this episode in our history. It forces honest discussion between black and white. It starts hostile, becomes difficult, but ultimately it works! Trump was the agent of change! Some changes are made in terms of law and more is promised. You can put the Tony Leons of the world in the video, add Andries Carl Nel, and even give old Kallie another go if you want, but I would put Dricus du Plessis in it. I am not even kidding. You show the footage of where he walks into the UFC with Siya Kolisi behind him. He defeats Israel Adesanya. They claim a victory for Africa! If a physical delegation is sent to Trump, I would put Du Plessis in that too. I would put Kolisi and Big Daddy Liberty in it also. Throw in a McKenzie and a Madonsela. Make it a parade. We send a rainbow team. This is the game we should play. Show our negotiators Moeletsi Mbeki (Trump won’t know the difference between him and Thabo) and show how he agrees on some points. Make the video triumphant in the end. Emotional montages and soundbites culminate in flags and fist bumps. Trump fixed the rainbow.
To be fair to Trump though, his message that South Africa should stop relying on handouts is correct. It is truly an opportunity for us to fix things ourselves. This advice should be specifically valuable to members of think-tanks that preach this message to the ANC economically and then run to Trump to patch up a political problem they haven’t figured out. Let us invest as much time in contemplating how we manage Trump and apply that mindset to: “How do we approach the ANC to help them change?” We cannot expect the US to solve our problems now, can we? That is the lesson here. Find a way. A different way, obviously, but we have to find a way to talk to each other. It has been 30 years. We really should be much better at it than we are now. When we go to the US it will have to be with an example of real change in South Africa. And that is our problem and responsibility, not that of Donald Trump.
Oil your tongues, fasten your britches, we are due in court with a potato.
[Photo: Screenshot/Blackadder II]
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