On a smallholding close by, known to us as the Paddyfield, live two lovely Irishmen, Seamus Baddely and Sean O’Boulle. Seamus, who for obvious reasons won’t let us call him “Shame”, is a rugby fanatic and has learnt to love the Boks almost as much as the Oirish. When he dons a green and gold jersey, he could be mistaken for one of us.
I believe there are no reptiles in Ireland, but this has not prevented Seamus from becoming as mad as a snake. He complains that the sport is being debased, degraded and destroyed by constant referrals upstairs, garbled chats to the TMO, anxious peerings at a big screen, touch judges giving their sixpence-worth, table banging by the one coach juxtaposed with smug looks by the other, and howls of protest or delight from opposing fans, all lovingly captured by the TV camera.
If we let him, Seamus would declaim that “Rugby is a game for ruffians …”, that ruffians like being rough, and that the rough-housing should be left to proceed unruffled.
I think he would draw the line at a rush defence that might prove mortal, but otherwise he would tolerate no interference in the swift progress of the Immortal Game. The Battle of Waterloo, he would intone, was won on the playing fields of Eton, and Webb Ellis must have welcomed the scrummage that must inevitably follow once, recognising how deathly dull soccer is, he decided to pick up the ball and run with it.
When Seamus is in full pomp, his accent becomes very thick, and I can scarcely understand him. Noah can, so I asked him to explain in writing what Seamus was going on about. Noah being Noah, he put the piece into legalese, but the text is probably still intelligible enough for real people.
“Lawyers are devotees of due process – a veview of the facts, appeals and so on. They regard it as a corrective for mistakes and a catharsis for grievance. So it is where the consequences of a poor decision are dramatic. In criminal proceedings, for instance. We don’t want people punished if they are innocent. Due process helps to prevent this result.
“Thoroughly misconceived”
“But beware. Where the consequences of a poor decision are trivial or immaterial, insisting on procedural safeguards is thoroughly misconceived. This is the case in sport, which is meant to be an entertainment and a diversion.
“Nothing earth-shattering happens if the ref’s decision is wrong, so to despoil the to-and-fro of the game by injecting due process into the enterprise is to become very confused. If people want to watch court cases, they can switch on CSI Chicago or whatever; but when they reach for beer and biltong, forensic footwork is not what they are after, but thump, grunt and groan.
“In the modern world, desperate not to make mistakes, sporting officials have forgotten this. They see the fans agonise over the way the whistle is blown: they know that heaps of money depend on how games turn out. So, they want every decision to be right and, in pursuit of this will-o’-the-wisp, they are willing to sacrifice – progressively, increasingly, and interminably – the pace and mobility of the game, completely forgetting that, corruption aside, the dice will roll evenly over time and so will the bounce of the ball.
“The problem is uniform, but the Bok v Italy game took the biscuit. The referrals were unremitting and the earnest exchanges between officials, down on the field and up there in the stands, seemed interminable. The spectacle of the game was wholly lost in a farrago of tedious proceduralism. The biltong of the viewers turned to ash in the mouth and the beer became as bitter as gall.
“Let me commend the old saying to the officials, ‘the umpire is always right’. This principle, which was good and sound, did not, of course, mean that, by donning a white coat, he became infallible, only that his decisions were to be treated as unquestionable during the game.
“Even roasted alive”
“After the game, the ref could be tarred and feathered, even roasted alive, but during the game, his job was to blow his whistle and point his finger. If he wanted to be a brother-in-law, better he should study his Latin and sit on the Bench.
“The whole business of in-game reviews should be scrapped. If the fans bleat, they should be reminded that sport entails sportsmanship and this in turn entails stomaching the rough even as you enjoy the smooth.”
Thus spake Seamus, channelled by Noah, and I applaud the sentiment. If I see no improvement in the game, I shall stop watching and sit in a corner reading about Socrates instead. This dude is clever enough to know the difference between headlock and hemlock. I am not sure the rugby world does.
The views of the writer are not necessarily the views of the Daily Friend or the IRR.
If you like what you have just read, support the Daily Friend