Water expert Anthony Turton says our water’s gone from dodgy to dangerous. What’s that doing to us, I wonder? Are microbes sneaking past the brain’s velvet rope and turning us delightfully barmy—mad in the loopy sense, not merely cross?
Maybe mad‑cow‑style nasties are doing a silent, suburban sneak attack on our grey matter. Maybe it’s foot‑and‑mouth disease. A teacher at my school used to say, “Every time I open my mouth, some damned fool puts his foot in it”. Maybe that’s it.
The problem is especially acute among the Lefties, who seem to have gone full unhinged. In the great opera of modern politics, they’ve picked a villain: Trump. It’s not merely his hairdo or his comic timing; it’s that he’s become their designated Bad Man. Distance, context, or comic relief mean nothing. They hate him with theatrical fervour and metaphorically foam at the mouth.
Exhibit A: Noah’s lefty cousin. Close enough to be named in a will, too tetchy to be named in this column, so I shall refer to her as Cuz. Vulgar, I know, but if Shakespeare can use the word, so can I.
In a sober-minded ChatGroup in which Cuz participates, Noah posts from time to time on matters Trumpian. Sometimes the posts are critical of Trump, sometimes they are approving, and sometimes they are in between.
The approving part infuriates Cuz, who apparently subscribes to the rule: approval = moral treason. Out of nowhere, he draws himself up and e-mails Noah a Philippic: “When I hear you support Trump—either what he is or what he does—it distresses me greatly. It makes me question everything I think I know about you.”
Noah reads this as “you’ve failed the purity test, therefore recant, or you’ll be cancelled”. He’s not the recanting type, though he’s a dab hand at decanting, and has absolutely no desire to be cancelled. So he writes a response that, he being Noah, is in Ark-of-the-Covenant tones.
For the sake of decency
Key points, paraphrased for the sake of decency, are these:
- Leaders’ personalities are incidental; policies are what count.
- Evaluate ideas on merit, not on the celebrity who spouts them.
- Political disagreement is not a call to public shaming or familial witch trials.
- Independence of mind is a virtue; enforced tribal loyalty is a vulgarity.
The note ends with a pissed‑off hug: “Don’t worry. I still love you. You may be my bloody‑minded cuz, but bloody‑mindedness is thicker than water.”
I read the missive, word for Olympian word, and discover it has been despatched. I inwardly quail.Externally, too. “Why didn’t you run this stuff by me?” I say.
“You’d just have told me to sleep on it and to bin it in the morning.” He shrugs—all lawyerly, defensive, and wrong.
True enough. I proceed. “You missed the point,” I tell him. “Cuz wasn’t attacking your judgement; he was complimenting you as someone who is normally wise, and suggesting only that you are now busy letting yourself down.”
“If that’s a compliment, it’s a real backhander.” He growls. “But of course, it’s not a compliment at all, but a double fault. First I am told I am wrong, then I am told that I’m being a fool. The e-mail is nasty and controlling. Frankly, I’d prefer a good solid forehand or perhaps a nice passing shot, not this sneaky drop shot.”
Grows wearisome
This Tennissy Waltz of metaphors grows wearisome, and I tell Noah so.
Silent for a while, he then muses out loud, “I wonder why is it always the Lefties, and only the Lefties, who make theoretical debates so personal?”
“Wonder away,” I reply. “This Wanda is leaving this Bedlam and wandering off to bed.”
There, I start hoping, I shall be courted afresh. Courted? I seem to have tennis on the brain, but this is better than Mad Cow disease, I suppose.
The views of the writer are not necessarily the views of the Daily Friend or the IRR.
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