Delighted to inform you that World Health Excellency Spiritual President for Life, Field Marshal-ess Jacinda Ardern (she/her), DEI, CRT and HIV, Kween of All the Safe and Effective Vaccines of the Earth and Lockdowns of its Prospects, Conqueror of the Incel Manosphere in the Pacific in General and New Zealand in Particular, has decided to settle down. In Sydney, Australia.
Ardern has relocated to the northern beach suburbs of Manly, a name she will no doubt take exception to and possibly agitate for the change of. Her spokespeople have described the move as one based on “career opportunities” – which should be absorbed with caution by locals, as she destroyed the “career opportunities” of a great many Kiwis whilst New Zealand’s premier.
But “career opportunities” is a bollocks explainer: it should be obvious that Ardern and her hostage husband, Clarke Gayford, chose Manly because of its stunning diversity – something she endlessly campaigned for.
There, over 40% of white Australian people blend with 40% of white English people, complimented by another 10% white people of Scots and Irish descent. White western Europeans make up another 5%, leaving only 5% to Asians, most of whom are upwardly-mobile former residents of Hong Kong. You have to have stacks of cash to money to live in Manly, so chances are there aren’t many money-laundering chicken or vape shops – like in London, whose mayor happens to be close to Ardern.
New Zealand is having a rough time thanks to Ardern. Her successor, Christopher Luxon, a reasonable fellow under whom Air New Zealand became the best airline in the world for a year or two, suffers sleepless nights over the mess he inherited, where Ardern’s astoundingly retarded administration sought to make “wellness” a metric for economic performance. So presumably if too many people answered the “how-are–you” question at work on Monday mornings with a “well-I’m-just-terrible-Mick-or-Clive-now-go-f***-yourself”, that would mean the economy wasn’t going too hot, so an emergency meeting would need to be convened by the central bank’s monetary policy committee to grind out solutions for Mick or Clive’s brisk interlocutors.
“Economic uncertainty” is a consistent theme throughout the data scrutinizing why. But respondents are generally uncertain: the quality of life they once enjoyed is fading, their streets are filled with strangers, and they aren’t sure if they feel safe. In fact, the only probable certainty these people possess is the knowledge that they were once led by a coastal moron for an extended period.
For as long as I’ve been alive, everyone has always wanted to go to New Zealand. It’s said to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world, a reputation enhanced in the early 2000s by Peter Jackson filming his spellbinding Lord of the Rings trilogy against the country’s dramatic landscape. Wine country is popular there, with Cloudy Bay having blazed the trail path for new world Sauvignon Blanc. But “everyone” currently appears to exclude New Zealanders themselves – over 200,000 citizens in the last two years have escaped the place for Australia and Singapore.
It’s not good for the blood pressure to revisit too often, but peak Ardern was something to behold. Influential too. Chris Minns, the premier of New South Wales, has Ardern to credit for his direction of travel insofar as certain individual freedoms are concerned. “We don’t have the same freedom of speech as they do in countries like America…because we have committed to a multicultural society,” he remarked at an event almost a year ago. She had a profound effect upon Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, and was reported to have offered him soothing counsel during Canada’s convoy protest of 2022 (“Kik thim in the fayce Just In! Shoot thim! Steel theyre benk ucceowntz!”).
Nothing riles up Gen Z’s groypers quite like the living memory of leaders who scammed their own economies into lockdowns back in 2020, then pretended to like black people, then spiked the cost of living, notably energy, then surrendered to the lecture circuit when things got bumpy – as some of the most prominent of this era’s con artists call it – “hay in the barn”. Here Boris Johnson is a nauseating example: a man who deliberately suppressed the wages of his working class by opening his borders now earns $500,000.00 for a badly-prepared, rambling and incoherent 45 minute speech to the Michigan Insurers Association. Force your mistress into an abortion, run for office, order your aides to draft platitudes, conserve nothing, enshitify everything, experience some turbulence – then leave.
The late Queen had the right idea when Idi Amin rocked up in London unannounced at some point during his reign of mayhem. Why she even agreed to see him is anyone’s guess – perhaps she really was Andrew Mountbatten’s mother, or some self-righteous half-bald mandarin eager to be liked by black people snookered her. “What are you doing here?” she asked the reluctant cannibal. “Well Ma’am”, came the response, “they just don’t sell size 19 shoes in Kampala.”
“What are you doing here” should be the standard reception to Ardern and her hostage husband. Surely there’s the opening of a mosque that was once a church you need to be attending in the UK? Surely there’s a bonfire of Shakespeare and Chaucer’s originals you’re missing out on? This is just some mild advice for her new neighbors; the type of things leaders who get rewarded for abject failure, who then counter their own platitudes and betray the impressionable (having already made them stupid) deserve should – must – be a little more prickly. On that point – happy to share some thoughts directly with anyone whose street in Manly she’s been vomited up on. Especially former residents of Auckland, Wellington etc.
[Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jacinda_Ardern_in_Palmerston_North,_2021.jpg]
The views of the writer are not necessarily the views of the Daily Friend or the IRR.
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